Aaron carried my pack to the road and waited with me until Roger arrived. I had connected with Roger through the North Country trail angel page and was looking forward to meeting him in person.

When Roger and his wife, April, arrived, he loaded my pack into his truck and handed me some cold orange juice. It was like ambrosia. After I painfully pulled my way up into Roger’s truck, April handed me a huge container of egg casserole made with their farm raised eggs and vegetables. I inhaled it as we drove, not quite sure what my next steps were going to be, but suspecting there would be no steps on the trail for at least a little while.

Roger and April had reserved two nights of camping in Lake Itasca State Park as part of their anniversary celebration. They kindly invited me to join them. I jumped at the offer as it gave me time to discern what direction to go in next.

I spent that first day in the park resting, stretching and taking a long, hot shower. I also enjoyed some wonderful food offered by Roger and April, made with fresh ingredients from their farm. I was pleased that I was doing a pretty good job of staying in the present moment. Even though my goal was to hike the whole North Country Trail, I wasn’t feeling depressed at having to take a break. I had been in enough foot pain for the whole trail thus far that I was ready for a rest. But deciding to actually get off the trail didn’t come easily.

I worked to not compare myself to the handful of other hikers on the trail who were still trekking along. I am quite a bit older than most other long distance hikers, but plenty of people older than I am are still hiking the trails. I had to acknowledge that the burn injury to my foot, causing me constant pain and messing up my walking gait, coupled with the inactivity of my body while it was healing, all now made hiking harder for me. I had tried a number of orthotics for my foot but had not yet found one that fully helps.

Despite all this, I didn’t want to need any excuses for getting off the trail. If my body needed to take a break, that should be good enough. Rather than feeling bad about it, I tried to lean into it with curiosity.

I remember how devastated I had been when my wasband (ex) left, not conceiving that in the 7 years after his departure I would hike over 12,000 more miles, completing my hiking triple crown (AT, PCT and CDT) as well as most of the 11 national scenic trails. In those days after he walked out, when I was swamped by the pain of the loss of a marriage, exacerbated by reactivated pain from an abusive childhood which left me struggling with deep aloneness, I could not envision that I would complete dreams such as hiking the entire Continental Divide Trail, skiing the entire 300 mile Catamount Trail in Vermont in one winter, pedaling my e-bike to all 251 cities and towns in Vermont in 32 days and paddling the entire Connecticut river over 400 miles from source to sea. But the fact that I had done all that and more, such as ice climbing into crevasses in Alaskan glaciers, in just the last seven years, gave me the ability to lean into the situation I was in now with curiosity. I had no idea when my marriage ended what was in store for me. Remembering this, helped me cultivate curiosity about what would come next as I stepped off the trail for a break. I knew I might feel some harder feelings at some point, but I would deal with them when they arrived.

The next morning, Roger and April took me to a store where I was looking to get yet more insoles that might work better. As I hobbled around the store, leaning on the shopping cart for support, I felt heavy inside. I stared at the rack of insoles, unable to make a choice. I heard an internal voice telling me to just give it up for a while, but I still wasn’t there yet.

I bought a pair of insoles and as I was walking out of the store, I told April I might need to stop hiking but was unsure where to go next. I was completely floored when, after I told her my car was a 5 hour drive away, she replied, “That’s no problem. We can take you there.”

That was the last piece I needed to be able to walk away from the trail for a while. Even though it took me a while to fully believe they would drive me all the way to my car, the heaviness I felt immediately lifted. I knew I had to take her up on her offer. I didn’t know how long it would take for my hip to heal and knew I needed to figure out a way to walk on my foot so I didn’t throw the hip out again. Stepping off the trail for at least a while seemed the best option.

I spent my second day in the park doing some sightseeing with April and Roger. They took me to the place in Lake Itasca Park where the Mississippi Headwaters are. I was glad for the chance to experience the river at this point, aware that even though I had wanted to see it, it was a short distance off the NCT and I might have skipped making the side trip. It is one thing I do not like about doing a thru hike. I often do not have the energy or means to make short side trips to visit places like the only waterfall in ND, which would have required 5.4 extra miles of walking.

On Saturday, April and Roger drove me the full five hours to where my car was. I found this even more humbling and truly an act of great kindness, because Roger spends much of his work week putting long miles in on the road. On the weekends, they have a farm, which, as with any farm, is always in need of work. Yet these two took the time to drive ten hours for a stranger.

I had no idea what to do next, but I truly believed if I stayed in the present moment, doing the best I could, one step at a time, my present needs would be cared. How could I not believe this when I was being showered with such great kindness.

#healingtrauma #dissociation #did #kindness #ptsd #posttraumaticstress #thruhiking #thruhike #nationalscenictrail #ncnst #northcountrytrail #CDT #continentaldividetrail #vt251club #catamounttrail #triplecrown #connecticutriverpaddlerstrail #themarybadass