As I’m packing to go on my hike, I’m aware the preparations for this trip are a bit different than previous hikes. In addition to what I usually carry, I will be carrying close to a pound of medical supplies I need to take care of my foot and the donor site where the skin was peeled off my leg to put on the foot. I have to be extremely careful not to let that donor site get sunburned, so I’m carrying copious amounts of sunscreen as well as wearing pants with SPF protection, even though I’d rather hike in shorts.

I could have purchased numerous small containers of sunscreen, but they were quite a bit more expensive than the 8 ounce tubes. Since I didn’t want to carry that much at one time, I found all the small ultralight containers I had and purchased some others. After squeezing some sunscreen out of the tube, I decided 4 ounces might be enough to last me a week. Then I learned that after squeezing 4 ounces of sunscreen out of an 8 ounce tube the remaining 4 ounces of sunscreen plus the tube weighed 5.3 ounces. Utilizing this information I was able to quickly parcel out my numerous 8 ounce tubes of sunscreen into appropriate amounts to go into boxes for anywhere from 4 to 8 days, leaving some of the sunscreen put in the resupply box in the original tube, which will get squeezed out into a lighter container when I open that particular box. I did the same thing with the numerous lotions I need to apply to my foot. One of the burdens I now carry is skin on my foot that has no oil nor sweat glands, so I need to keep applying something externally or it gets incredibly dry and painful.

I usually try to go fairly ultralight when backpacking, but I haven’t always cut every little corner. Because I’m now burdened with close to a pound of extra first aid supplies, I tried to cut ounces wherever I could. I was more careful with measuring out how much toilet paper I needed in each supply box. By cutting the handle off my toothbrush, I saved .6 ounce. I’ve cut back on food and instead of close to 2 pounds a day, I’ll only be carrying about a pound and a half. Hopefully this will enable me to carry plenty of water in the dry sections.

After my last laser surgery, when I asked the doctor if I should come back and do another one if it’s still hurting in four months, he assured me it would still be hurting. When I ask him when he thought it would stop being painful, he replied “With your foot, probably never.” That felt like a punch in the gut and I realize it’s just one more burden I have to carry, although for now I’m only carrying it from one day to the next, not believing it might be a lifelong condition. I remember years ago, after back surgery, I was told I’d have to give up hiking. Thankfully, I don’t always listen to doctors predictions and since then I have hiked another 19,000 miles! Instead of listening to others telling me what I can and can’t do, I try to tune into my body, paying attention to how it feels every step of the way. It’s one reasons I avoid painkillers as much as possible. I don’t want to numb any pain I should be paying attention to.

Since breathing in the lithium ion battery smoke from the exploded battery, I have been diagnosed with burn pit asthma, and given an inhaler, which is yet another thing to carry on my back. While diagnosing the burn pit asthma, they discovered a spot on my lung, requiring another CAT scan in six months. This knowledge is one more burden I now carry with me, though I’ve been doing really well at not letting it affect me emotionally. In part, I’m doing this by living fully in the moment, doing the things I love to do.

When people ask me why I’m hiking with a painful foot, I respond that I have two choices. I can either hike with a painful foot or I can sit home alone with a painful foot. The foot is going to hurt no matter what I do, so I might as well be doing something which brings me joy. If I get out there and find it’s too painful to feel the pleasure of walking, I’ll re-evaluate my plan. I will have to work hard to not feel discouraged if I can’t do as many miles in a day as I would like to. And I have to make sure not to compare myself to anyone else on the trail especially those who are doing 30 and 40 miles every day.

I am aware there are so many burdens people carry that are invisible. Besides numerous physical ailments, life experiences, especially traumatic ones causing post traumatic stress and dissociation, create huge burdens many people struggle to live with. Knowing what this is like from my own struggles with dissociation, I try to always view everyone with kindness and compassion, even if some people make it difficult to do so. And I’ve learned my dissociation can be a superpower rather than a burden, such as when it helped me get through laser surgery on my foot with no anesthesia.

There are a number of things that won’t get done before I leave for the hike and I’ve had to accept that as part of the burden that came along with my injured foot. For instance, I wasn’t able to cut my own wood last winter so I bought in 2 cords of wood, but between the weather, my medical appointments and my foot there was no way I could get it stacked before I left. I can rest assured that task will still be here when I return! And while I was hoping to get to mowing before I left the timing of this last surgery and the rain has insured the mowing will also have to wait till I return.

I am trying to discover which burdens I can cut out of my life. For the ones that remain, I’m trying to find ways to lean into them and see what lessons they can teach me. Five years ago when the man I was married to walked out on me in a very cruel manner, I couldn’t envision it and the divorce process as anything but a huge burden. I had no idea that five years down the line, spurred by his cruelty, I would have hiked over 11,000 miles, ridden my bike over 4000 miles, paddled the Connecticut River 430 miles source to sea and skied the entire 300+ mile Catamont Trail in Vermont in one winter. I didn’t know that one day I’d be surrounded by such a loving village as I described in my last blog.

And so now, as I set out on my adventure to begin hiking the North Country Trail, I’m embracing the burdens I must now carry with me, while also working to maintain curiosity about what new and exciting doors this burden of a painful burnt foot might open up to me.

#healingtrauma #dissociation #did #kindness #ptsd #posttraumaticstress #thruhiking #thruhike #nationalscenictrail #ncnst #northcountrytrail #themarybadass