I spent part of today chipping ice off my solar panels. They’ve been solidly encased in ice for almost a week. Pretty much every day I’ve brushed the new snow off them without being able to make a dent in the thick layer of ice underneath. Looking at the upcoming weather and realizing there was no warming trend in sight, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I got out the longest car scraper I have and took to work on the solar panels.

As I was chipping away, I enjoyed being able to really exercise my upper body, trying to be grateful for what I can still do rather than bemoaning my current lack of comfort at physical activity using my burnt foot.

My goal was to try to chip through all the layers of ice and make at least one small hole on as many panels as I could reach. I knew once I exposed even a small section of solar panel, that section would heat up and help melt the ice around it. I went out a few times in the day scraping away more as the warmth of the sun did its work.

As I chipped away, I thought about what a good metaphor this is for my life. The task of scraping ice off all the panels was beyond my capability, and there was no way I would be getting on ladders and trying to scrape all the panels clear. However, by trying to do whatever I could, even if it was just making a small hole in the ice, I was able to start a chain reaction that was helping me reach my goal. Just as I’ve alway said the way to thru hike a long trail is one step at a time, I was aware today that I just had to chip away at it little by little, doing what I could then backing up and taking the help from the sun to make my job easier. And I thought of how true that is for my current life situation.

Many times this “adventure” I’m on to heal my severely burned foot has felt outside of my capabilities. One week I had as many as 15 medical related appointments. I even had one on Christmas Day. Most weeks I have at least five and I’m still spending a few hours every day doing what I’m supposed to do to try to keep the scarring from becoming so thick it interferes with my walking. On top of that I’ve had issues with the tips of my fingers which were burnt when I had to untie my smoking boot. My breathing has been a bit funky since inhaling that thick chemical-smelling smoke from the exploded battery. And in two weeks, I’ll see a surgeon in Boston to discuss the need for numerous more surgeries.

Some days it all feels too daunting, but I realize by just chipping away at it little by little, I have made some progress. I keep reminding myself I’m lucky to be getting at least some medical care. I had an MRI on my foot the other day, and while I’m coming off of a three day intense headache as a result of the MRI contrast agent they assured me had no side effects, I will be glad to get the results to see what other damage might have been done in the foot.

Soon after I felt satisfied with my work on the solar panels, it began to snow and the panels are now completely covered in snow. Again this reminds me of my current life when I take a step or two forward in my healing only to have to deal with setbacks, such as when a home health nurse was too rough while changing the bandage and ripped off part of the new skin graft. I also have a donor site that has not healed as quickly as normal, perhaps because it’s the second time that part of my thigh has donated skin to other parts of my body. Whatever the reason it’s still wakes me up in pain at least five times a night.

But through all the difficulties, when the storms seem to cover any progress I’ve made and I have trouble finding Mary Badass, I’ve managed to chip away at the challenges now facing me. i’ve learned to do what I need even when it entails spending eight or more hours a day on the phone to get the care I need. And I’ve learned to step back and take in the warmth of those offering me kindness.

Two people gave me places to stay before I was able to return home to my house. Many people have given me rides to my medical appointments. I’ve continued to get donations to my GoFundMe account to help with medical supplies and one person, who I met in Alaska, has continued to send me needed supplies such as pressure garments and silicone scar sheets, helping me keep my costs down. I’ve also been the recipient of some comfy clothes and alpaca insoles for my shoes, which I really appreciate since it’s been difficult to have rougher clothing against my skin.

People have come all the way up to my house, which is not easy in the best of times and was almost impossible now with my driveway coated in the same layer of ice that encases my solar panels, to fill my basement with wood, making it easier for me to keep my woodstove running. A neighbor is plowing my driveway for me since I’m not yet able to run my tractor. And I’ve been able to keep track of Mary Badass through some gifts that have really made me smile.

So as I chip away at the challenges now in front of me, acknowledging the pain with the awareness that life sometimes sucks, I remind myself I can either focus on how unlucky I’ve been to have so much pain in my life or I can focus on how grateful I am to have experienced so much kindness from so many people. Even though I’m still in the midst of a storm covering up my hard earned work at chipping away the ice in my life, I choose gratitude for kindness in this world.

#kindness #themarybadass #thruhike