Where to begin? Perhaps by saying, I have thought often of all of you who read my blogs. I’m grateful to those who have checked in on me to see how I’m doing and who donated to the GoFundMe site after my foot was burned. Truly, my connections with people are one of the things that have kept me going through this difficult time.

I’m not going to mince words. These last few months have been extremely difficult. I have had to draw deep to even find the Mary Badass within. There were plenty of times when I’d wake up in extreme pain thinking if I had a gun I would put it to my head and pull the trigger. Perhaps that’s one reason I’ve never kept a gun in the house. As a child, thinking about suicide gave me a sense of power that there was something I could do to escape the constant pain which was coming my way. As an adult, I many times had to battle the triggers of trauma, which would bring me back to those dark places. And now, when I’ve been in constant physical pain for well over two months, it’s been a challenge not to go back to those childhood places, but rather to stay grounded in the present. And truly, it is the kindness of people which has helped me to do that.

Another thing which has been extremely important in my recovery has been my ability to draw on memories of these last few years. When I started adventuring again in my 60s I was in a dark place due to the cruel way the man I was married to walked out and ended the marriage. I kept reminding myself if I got through that dark time I could get through this one as well and all it would take is moving forward one step at a time, no matter how painful or difficult those steps have now become.

Many times I have been overwhelmed with the challenges now facing me. Even reminding myself of some of the most difficult moments on the trail didn’t always help. But each time I seemed to hit bottom, someone would reach a kind hand out to me. I would grab that hand, humbly accept the kindness, and pull myself back up. As I did, I thought of all the beauty I have seen and the kindnesses I’ve experienced. By focusing on the kindness and beauty rather than the pain and despair I felt, I found ways to keep moving forward. I learned I was still Mary Badass even when all I was capable of doing was reaching a hand up to grasp the one being offered me.

I often think of the last one of the national scenic trails I still have yet to do, though I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it this coming year. I see a surgeon in Boston on January 16 and might need a series of six or eight more surgeries. In the meantime I’m doing everything I can to increase the healing and hopefully minimize my need for more surgeries.

I’ve been told the more I use that foot and push through the pain the better I’ll be in the future, so even though I’m still in a high enough level of physical pain that I wake up on average six times a night and find myself in tears at least a few times every day, I have managed to shove my foot into a ski boot. I have hopes that one day I’ll be able to make some runs down a mountain without wanting to cry in pain. I have also sent my first book off to Sean, who is an incredible young man offering to help me get my book into the world. If all goes well, this first book, Meeting Mary Badass, should be ready by the beginning of February.

And so while I know I owe you loyal readers much more than I’m writing here, I want you to know how much I appreciate you reading my words, especially those who take the time to tell me they get something from my writing. I hope you get to experience the level of kindness in your life that I have found. May you all know that even in the darkest times, blessings abound if you can just keep your heart and eyes open to experiencing them.