I spent a lot of my life in fear and worry. I worried what other people thought about me, about having enough food and money, and having a place to live with my son. I never felt good enough and while I seldom showed it, I was afraid of almost everything. I can see it originated early in my life from constantly worrying about getting my mother upset and having her hit me. I was always afraid of running into my sexual predators and I tried to keep a low profile to minimize the teasing I got at school. I’ve come to realize what we get used to, we carry with us. We make situations fit into what we have experienced and live from those places.

I’ve done a lot of work to heal the wounds of my past and change the way I experience life. I now embrace it with curiosity and a sense of plenty rather than from places of worry, fear or lack. So I was surprised to find that even after 21,000 miles of backpacking, I felt some fear about hiking alone in Alaska. I also was afraid of spending too much money.

Rather than deny the fear, I leaned into it to see what I could learn. I realized in part the fear was from stories I’ve heard about bears in Alaska as well as warnings directed my way from people who know little about hiking and so project their fears onto me. I realized my fears of spending money came not just from my childhood lack, or from being homeless with a two-year-old, but also from the threats I had endured from my ex’s lawyers when we were going through a nasty divorce. I also recognized that part of my fear came from the unknown. I’ve never been to Alaska and wasn’t used to how it looked. The mountains here rise much more steeply than perhaps any other mountains I’ve ever climbed.

I reminded myself it’s normal to be afraid of the unknown but that just because I’m afraid, it doesn’t mean bad things are going to happen. As a way to combat the fear, I set out to learn about my surroundings, knowing when I take time to learn about someone or something, it’s much easier to drop the fear.

I started with some easy walks around the Mendenhall Glacier in Juneau. When I found what was listed as a strenuous hike was quite doable for me, I branched out to other more difficult hikes. I made sure to carry bear spray with me and even purchased a new can because I had to leave my old one behind when I took the plane from Glacier Bay back to Juneau. I made noise as I walked so as not to surprise the numerous bears I did see. And rather than pushing to make the top of a mountain or walk along what felt like a sketchy ridge, I allowed myself to turn back so as not to be walking alone in the dark, which was about 9 PM.

Much of this trip was unplanned unlike my hikes which are directed pretty much by the trail. I had little sense of direction for where I would go or what I would do in Alaska. I knew there were some things I really wanted to do and see so I planned my trip around those things trusting the rest would fall into place.

When I got on the ferry, I had no idea what to expect. I hoped I wouldn’t get seasick and I wondered where I would sleep because my tent was not freestanding. (meaning it needs stakes to keep it upright, as opposed to standing alone with tent poles). It would have been difficult to set it up on deck. Alaska once again confirmed for me that if I take one step at a time, I’ll figure things out. At the Ferry Terminal in Bellingham I chatted with people and learned there were multiple spots I could claim for the night, including the floor of a lounge, which would be quiet, or the upper deck solarium, which would be partially outside but heated. My first night on the ferry I was exhausted, so I claimed a spot on the floor in the lounge. It was quiet and dark enough that I was able to sleep well. My second and third nights I moved up to the solarium, in part because the lounge was more crowded with additional people who had gotten on the ferry from stops along the way. Even though the solarium was noisier due to engine noise and had a bit of a diesel smell to it, I enjoyed the sense of being outside.

As I walked around the ferry on those three days, I marveled at all the places people without cabins chose to sleep. Some were curled on benches or couches, while others spent the night in the movie theater. Numerous people set up tents and some even came prepared with cots.

The first time we hit open water I felt a bit sea sick but it never got very bad. A good night of sleep and moving into quieter water in the channels solved it completely. I enjoyed fantastic sunsets and saw numerous whales. It was a slow way of traveling, and very much had a sense of community. When I got off the ferry in Juneau, I kept running into people I had met on the ferry and we always stopped to chat with each other.

At the last minute, I received a text from Adam, a friend of a friend, telling me I could camp on his property and use his car while I was in Juneau. After a short hike the first day to stretch my legs, I went with Adam, his wife and cousin to a beach where we had a nighttime campfire. I learned for the first time the stench of dead salmon along Alaskan streams.

I knew I wanted to see the Mendenhall Glacier, so that was my first stop in the morning. After doing a bunch of hikes on the east side of the glacier, I hopped over to the west side where there was a longer, more difficult hike that involved pulling myself up on ropes. Still, this was not as steep as what I had just done on the Olympic coast, and I felt pretty good about my abilities. I hiked as far as I could go before turning back to be off the trail by dark.

The following day I did some planning, deciding with Debbie’s help and encouragement to go to Glacier Bay. I would have to take a ferry to get there and wasn’t yet sure how I would get back, but I wasn’t going to worry about that. I decided to join the tour boat which would allow me to get up and close to glaciers and possibly a wide variety of wildlife, including puffins, which I really wanted to see. It was a challenge for me not to worry about spending money, and overall I did better with it than I have in the past. I had put some aside for this trip and Debbie was determined I would be able to do some of the things I wanted to do. Every time I started getting concerned, I kept reminding myself not to worry. I stayed present in the here and now, affirming I was worth spending money on. I was within budget and trusted things would work out. After I made plans for some time in Glacier Bay, I did more hiking in Juneau.

Things did in fact work out, far better than I could’ve expected. To hear about that, stay tuned for my next blog.

#themarybadass