I’m sitting in my tent in a state park campground on the western side of the ferry which I had to take to complete the Pacific Northwest Trail. Crows are landing on my tent. Squirrels are trying to get into my food and I feel my inner “little girl” feeling inadequate and wanting to cry. I feel the old lady in me wanting to stop working so hard. Both are wanting to feel loved and cared for.

I am reminded of some thoughts I had about 10 days ago when my Topo boots were wet and rubbing horribly on the tops of my toes. Due to a serious manufacturing flaw in the boots, which cause the inner and outer linings to shrink at different amounts when the boots are wet, a sharp ridge forms which digs into the top of my feet. I didn’t want to stop walking because I was eager to reach Lyman and spend more time with Trail Angel Billie. I was also hoping to pick up different boots there. But I knew if I didn’t take care of my feet in the moment, I would be more sorry later on. I had to nip it in the bud.

I thought of all the trees I’ve pruned in my life and how nipping them off in the bud is a lot less work than sawing off huge limbs later on. Age and wisdom has taught me it’s worth nipping lots of things in the bud rather than letting them get out of hand. For example, I’ve come to recognize when I want to cry over every little obstacle on the trail, I need to stop and eat something. It’s amazing what an input of calories can do to a depleted body. It is the same when I start to get cold, wet, hot or thirsty. Stopping and putting on or taking off some clothing, applying sunscreen when necessary and drinking when thirsty all avoid problems down the line such as sunburn, hypothermia, or migraine headaches. Especially as I’ve aged, pushing through these discomfort, isn’t worth the consequences later on.

Likewise I’ve learned when I feel feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, I have to nip that in the bud too. I sit with the feelings and see where they are originating from. Then I can address these in the present rather than letting my traumatized inner selves take over and fall apart.

There are definitely times out here I feel afraid, and that, too, I’ve learned to nip in the bud. I remind myself that just because I’m afraid it doesn’t mean bad things are going to happen. I’ve learned fear arises when I’m facing the unknown. I’ve also learned that fear and excitement can sometimes feel similar, and I have to be careful to know which is which. When I do feel fear, I’ve learned to take a moment to breathe and center myself. I remember that plenty of other people have done the Trail ahead and so I should be able to do it as well. I go back to my one foot in front of the other, one step at a time philosophy and so far this has not failed me.

In the meantime, as I sit in my tent I am pruning away those feelings of inadequacy and wanting to quit by nurturing myself. I’ve eaten plenty of breakfast and am taking time to rest my body and do some writing. I remember all the other times I felt this way and know this feeling will pass. In fact, even as I write, I already know I have it in me to shoulder my pack and take on the next section of trail, which will be the physically challenging Olympic mountains with all their steep ups and downs. I’ve been told that despite the difficulty, they are beautiful mountains to hike in.

A dear friend recently reminded me crows are known as shape shifters, and we can shift our perceptions to see whatever we want to see. As I sit here fending crows off my food, I’m choosing to prune away any feelings of inadequacy and wanting to quit. Rather than focusing on the difficulty, I will focus on the beauty, grateful for all these awesome mountains will bring to me.

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