When I tell my age to people I meet on trail, the most common response I get is “you look good.” I used to feel pride when people said that to me, thinking “Yeah I don’t look as old as I am.” Then, one day I got to wondering what that was really about. Are they saying I look good because I don’t have much gray hair nor many wrinkles? Are they comparing me to some expectation of what they think old people look like? Are they thinking I look good because I am carrying a backpack?

I wonder who they’re comparing me to when they say I look good and I wonder what that says about expectations and views towards those who manage to reach old age. Would I still look good if I was in a wheelchair or had some physical deformity?

While I take some pride in keeping my body in fairly good physical conditioning, there are plenty of folks older than I who can do much more than I can. And I don’t want to be judged based on my looks.

I wonder what those same people would say if they heard me groaning as I try to stand after a day of hiking. Or what they would think if they could see how foggy and muddled my brain feels at times.

“Looking good” has no relevance to how I feel inside. Would I still be told I looked good if people could see my inner emotional world? While I’ve come a long way over the years, I still have moments of wondering what the hell I’m doing in life. I struggle at times with aloneness and a sense of being lost in the world.

I’m trying to take each person as an individual and not compare them to anyone else. I try to find one thing I can compliment, whether it’s their smile, their kindness, or a myriad of other qualities. And I try to do that in nature as well.

I venture to guess that some places I walk through would look really good to anyone. Others, such as some recently burned out sections of trail with about 2500 blowdowns per mile (fallen trees to climb over or crawl under) are harder to find the beauty in. I am not exaggerating when I say there were that many blowdowns per mile in a 5 mile stretch of trail. But that takes me to my second holy shit day and another blog. Until then, I hope you can find some goodness in everyone you meet.

To see more photos from my trip go to my Instagram @themarybadass

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