I’ve walked over 400 miles of the Florida Trail using crutches, so it’s no wonder I’ve been thinking about the different types of crutches I’ve used to get through life. In early childhood I used dissociation and created alternate parts to deal with abusive situations the rest of me couldn’t handle. I also erected walls as crutches, hiding behind them, thinking that hiding my true self was the best way to live life. At times I’ve used food to tamp down feelings. Other times I’ve pushed myself beyond fear in more extreme sports. While it might look like the latter was a way to not feel things, in retrospect I believe I was trying to connect with fear I had buried deep within as a child. Once I realized this and was able to reconnect with those split off parts of myself living in fear, I no longer needed to compulsively push myself into activities that terrified me. This doesn’t mean I stopped doing things that scared me, but I no longer felt compelled to push myself out of my comfort zone. I became able to recognize and feel fear in the present moment and to make informed decisions about what activities I wanted to participate in.

Sometimes depression has been my crutch. Other times I’ve turned to movies or computer games. Again, I would say that these latter were not always negative since they gave the anxious parts of me a focus. By doing so, other parts of my brain were able to step in, process what was going on and take charge. But in order for this to happen, I had to not beat myself up for using things like computer games as a crutch. It was only when I accepted myself exactly where I was that I was able to recognize what was going on. This enabled me to find parts that could then step in and moderate these crutch activities so that they did not become bothersome lifelong habits.

It was along these lines I knew if I was to maintain my equilibrium on the Florida Trail, I had to accept the reality that if I wanted to continue to hike, at least for a while I was going to need crutches, an orthopedic boot and a lot of help. By accepting this, I had to also accept that this hike would not be like most of my thru hikes when I carried everything on my back and hiked in a continuous line from point A to point B.

I started with some off-road paved bike path and found it exhausting to even crutch 10 miles. But as I built up strength in my arms, I was thrilled to discover that 15 or more miles a day was doable, even if I was pretty tired by the end of the day. I enjoyed feeling increasing strength in my arms, and was surprised when I was able to crutch at the rate of 3 miles an hour.

Rather than bemoaning having to jump around on the trail depending on where I could get a shuttle to hike back to my car without carrying my full backpack, I focused on enjoying seeing some of the same hikers over and over as I jumped ahead and hiked in different directions. I rejoiced in the fact that I could schedule my day to start and end where I wanted it to. This enabled me to do more exposed sections of trail on cooler days and walk in the woods when it was hotter. It also allowed me to end my day at places like Juniper Springs where I could swim after a long, hot day of hiking. Had I been hiking in my normal straight line I would have had to accept whatever conditions existed when I was at these parts of the trail.

After a few days of higher mileage going at a faster rate of speed, I felt my foot needed a rest. I knew it would be hard to sit in my car and hang out somewhere. Luckily for me, this time coincided with an event called the Florida Trail Fest, which was to be held about an hour and a half away from where I was on Trail. I had no problem using Trail Fest as a crutch to get me to take a break. I contacted a few other hikers who were ahead of me and offered them rides to the festival. Committing to drive them would be the final crutch I needed to ensure I would take a day off. I rearranged the gear in my car, squeezed in Click and Trip and headed up to White Springs where the event was to be held.

I camped in the park Friday night. Saturday morning I joined a group that went paddling on the Suwanee River. I enjoyed my paddle, glad to experience Florida from another perspective, aware that had I not broken my foot and been on crutches, I probably would not be having that experience.

In the afternoon, I took part in a hiker parade that went from the park into downtown of White Springs where a lovely mural depicting wildlife of the region was dedicated. I was hot and tired by the time the dedication was over and was thrilled to be the recipient of an adaptive ride back to the park. Luke5Adventures is a nonprofit dedicated to helping people who can’t hike on their own. The group purchased some rickshaw-like French made vehicles which are specifically for the purpose of bringing folks who can’t walk onto the trails. I’ve been involved in adaptive sports for almost 30 years and had never seen anything quite like it. Two young men, one at the front and one at the back, easily pulled me back to the park. They explained that the device is made so my weight was balanced over the wheel and all they had to do was guide it.

That evening, I was treated by Radha’s Kitchen to a wonderful chickpea curry. In the morning I drove Trip and I back to the trail to continue our separate journeys. I was sorry to once again part ways with this lovely young man who I had started the trail with, but instead of focusing on loss, I leaned into the curiosity of where hiking on crutches would take me next, wondering when I might be able to ditch these crutches, just as I had ditched other crutches that I’ve used throughout my life.

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