Meeting Pam Casteel and her tribe of adopted special needs young adults when I was hiking the CDT was a highlight of that trail for me. We have maintained contact over the years. Pam knows I’ve struggled to recover from childhood abuse, especially after the way my ex-husband walked out on me. She intuitively and correctly realized that I had spent Christmas alone and so she decided to do something about it when I arrived for a visit and to leave my car with her while I hiked the Florida trail.

When I walked into this fun-loving family’s home, I noticed the Christmas decorations and tree were still up. Soon I learned that it was there for me. Pam was determined to celebrate a Mary Christmas.

Christmas carols were brought up on the TV. A pile of presents was put under the tree. I was flabbergasted to learn they were all for me. I was moved to tears as I opened each one and discovered the kind thought that had gone into each present. There were a couple of performance bars of types I’ve never had before, some beef bites, power drinks, and other snacks that I could take with me. There also was stuff to care for blisters and bug bites along with a water purifying straw, some T-shirts, a multi tool, socks and a lovely down puffy which her son Brandon had been the model for when deciding the proper size. Brandon was so excited he could hardly refrain from telling me until after I opened the gift.

Pam said she wanted to make sure I knew that people really did care about me. She also said she was grateful for how kind I had been to her children, most of whom are on the autism spectrum. I really didn’t see myself as having done anything special. Her children are a delight to be around.

And as if that wasn’t enough, after gift opening, we had a full Christmas dinner including baked sweet potatoes, salad and lamb.

After dinner Josh took me to his room where I was to spend the night. Josh assured me he did not mind giving up his room for me. Brandon told me he would try to be quiet so I could sleep. And in the morning Tylen apologized for not being more talkative the evening before, telling me he had been tired. Daughter Kai shared with me a family photo album of trips she took with Pam. Husband Chris showed me photos of the creative work he has done for disney, including some awesome and massive sculptures. Kyle also did his part in ensuring I felt at home in this fun loving very unique family. Everyone chipped in to prepare dinner and Kyle and Josh did an extrodinary job of cleaning up and taking care of the dirty dishes, not allowing me to lift a finger to help.

I thought back to where I had been when my wasband, (my ex husband) walked out on me without a word. I had been devastated, blaming myself and feeling like a complete failure in life. I was sure I was unloveable and deserved to die. The people I have met over these last four years while I hiked over 7000 miles, paddled the 430 mile Connecticut River, biked all 251 cities and towns in Vermont in one go of 1652 miles in 32 days, and x-country skied the entire 310 mile Catamount Trail in one winter has helped me know that Mark’s leaving was NOT my fault and the way he left was cowardly and cruel. By telling my story and having people listen, I have learned that just as I did not have to accept some of my biological relatives belief that I had a good family, I did not have to accept Mark’s warped reality of our marriage, especially since he had been lying to me for over three years. I could finally acknowledge that the things he did, such as hitting me and calling them love taps or being controlling with the money were abusive. I became able to stop making excuses for his behavior and stop my life long havit of blaming myself when anything went wrong with ANY thing.

All of the kind people I have met on my adventures have made a huge difference in my life and have helped me heal my abused inner little parts who went through life desperate to be loved. As difficult as these past four years have been for me, I am grateful for how I have emerged. While I will never condone the way Mark left, I can now be grateful for what I have gained as a result of no longer having him dictate my every move. While I still mourn the loss of having a partner in my life, I can now be grateful that Mark is gone, knowing that without his leaving I would not have had the adventures I have had over these last years. I would not have met all of the truly kind trail angels who have gone out of their way to assist me, expecting nothing in return.

Thank you to all who have helped me get here, including you readers who let me know that my writing is meaningful for you. It is a reminder that one’s life does not have to be seen by the world as spectacular in order to be successful and important. Every small kindness offered to another, such as all those I have received over these last four years has the potential to make a huge difference in someone’s life and to have unknown ripple effects in the world. This kindnesses have done more for me than therapy has ever done. In fact, all of this kindness has helped me become the Mary Badass the kids on the trail saw me as. Thank you one and all.

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