I’ve never been a fan of hiking with earphones, preferring instead to listen to the sounds of nature around me. I was also concerned about using up the battery on my phone if I was listening to a podcast while hiking. However, I know that listening to something while walking can make the miles go by easier. On the Pacific Northwest Trail this summer, I was in quite a bit of pain each day, not knowing I was hiking with two broken feet. To distract myself on the long, hot road walks, I allowed myself to listen to a podcast for about one hour a day. One of the podcasts I really enjoyed was put out by the History channel and based on their show called Alone. As I listened to this podcast, I thought the people on the show were in a different category than I am.
https://play.history.com/shows/alone
When I got home from the PNT, one of the things I did was binge watch Alone on my computer. The more I watched it, the more I realized I could do what they were doing. I knew how to make a fire without matches. I could build a shelter, fish and do some minimal trapping. And above all, I knew how to suffer. I was used to being hungry, cold and uncomfortable. I’ve been charged by bear, moose and had my hair stand up from lightning, so I didn’t think fear would be an issue for me. I began to wonder how well would I do on the show. The more I thought about it the more convinced I was that I could do it.
So the crazy thing I’ve done is to apply to be on the show.
I felt a bit of trepidation at first and thought I wouldn’t tell anybody what I had done. In part, I wasn’t going to tell people because I was concerned about their reactions. Also I didn’t want to feel like a failure if I didn’t get chosen. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that if I don’t get accepted, I’m not a failure. In fact, only one out of about every one thousand people get accepted since they get over 10,000 applicants for only 10 spots. They’ve never had a contestant as old as I am, and I don’t know what they will think about my age.
I’m not good at keeping some types of secrets and as I leaked out to a few of my young hiking buddies what I had done, I was pleasantly surprised to hear their instant response. “You’d be so great on there!”
The more I thought about it the more I realized they were right. I know it wouldn’t be easy. I”d be cold and hungry, eating mice and grubs along with fish and whatever I could forage. But while it’s a long shot to get accepted, I would love the opportunity to learn just how far I can go. Speaking what I consider my wisdom to an on-camera audience would give me a sense of usefulness and purpose. I’m used to speaking into my digital recorder as I hike so speaking almost nonstop into the cameras they provide would be an extension of that. I could even use the time to start speaking my second book into the camera.
I have no idea if I’ll get chosen for the show. I don’t expect to hear anything back until February, so in the meantime I’m planning my hike of the Florida Trail. I will leave Vermont in early January and hike the 1100 plus miles in about three months. If I hear from the Alone casting crew that they want me to go the next step, which would be to make a video and send it to them, I may abort my hike early.
After I applied, I got my hands on a ferro rod and practiced my fires. I also set up some snares and worked on reminding myself how to trap with wire. And as mice are sometimes the only things people are able to catch and eat on the show, I practiced skinning the mice I caught in my basement. Normally I wouldn’t kill something I wasn’t eating, but since these mice were invading my home, I had no problem trapping and skinning them without eating them. If I’m on the show, I would definitely eat them with gusto.
(Do not watch the following video if you don’t wanna see me skinning mice)
I have been pleasantly surprised to discover that unlike in the past, I’m willing to allow myself hope that I might get accepted. In fact when I think about it, I feel some excitement. In the past, I wouldn’t have been able to do this because I couldn’t risk feeling the disappointment if it didn’t come through. I’ve learned that this is a result of those little parts of me spending so much of their life being crushed with disappointment when anything they hoped and dreamed for was taken away from them. Because of the emotional work I’ve done to feel the old pain and integrate those dissociated little parts with the rest of me, I can now handle the disappointment without feeling the entire bottom is going to drop out of my world.
When I am hiking and people tell me I’m amazing, I know it’s not really true. But I do feel that I have accomplished an amazing feat by learning to go into my emotional pain and come out the other side, especially since I’ve had to do most of it on my own. When I first started the process of recalling past abuse, the psychological world was still referring to it as “false memory syndrome.” Of course, in those days, they were also blaming autism on what they called “refrigerator mothers” and Freudians believed that women fantasized sexual abuse. Luckily times have changed and the “Me Too” movement has helped increase our awareness of the volume of sexual abuse.
Stay tuned for my next blogs in which I’ll keep you updated about my preparations for the Florida Trail, which many people think is more crazy than applying for Alone. I will be walking in multiple feet of water with alligators and poisonous snakes. Keep reading here for more information on the Florida Trail. As always, thanks to all of you who read what I write. It makes a positive difference in my life.
#thruhiking #PNT #pacificnorthwesttrail #nationalscenictrails #floridatrail #metoomovement
#healingtrauma #alone #historychannel #ptsd #did #dissociation
The Mary Badass 
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