I view the time I spent when I first got home, staring for way too many hours at the computer screen, as a kind of percolating, waiting for my internal system to catch up with my external body in the major transition it had to make from thru hiking to relative inactivity. It was the first time in over four years I was in my house with the divorce finalized. My ex and I built this house on land I owned before I met him. I didn’t know if I would get to keep it in the divorce. It was a relief knowing the house was staying in my possession, but it was also bittersweet being here with all the memories of the two of us here together. Still, I was doing better being in the house than I had been over the last four years. Having the divorce behind me was a relief, even though the way it ended up felt very unjust to me. When he left, he cleaned out our main bank account leaving me only seven dollars. When the divorce went through he was awarded the seven dollars because he lied about how much money I had. Since I didn’t have a lawyer, I was unable to counter any of his claims. In addition when I emailed his lawyer asking if we could do the divorce process with kindness, she wrote back, “that’s not how we do it.”

Playing computer games was a way for me to disengage when life around me felt too difficult. It kept my brain occupied so it didn’t have the energy to fall apart or become anxious. It was calming for those little dissociated parts of me that still missed mark and for the parts who beat themselves up for not being able to stand up for themselves better during the divorce. While I still have work to do in this area to accept that I did the best I was able to do under the circumstances, I have come a long way. Instead of beating myself up over not being able to do better, I’m learning to have compassion for myself.

In part I’ve gotten to where I am now through the kindness of friends, especially all the people I’ve met over the last four years. Experiencing kindness and the belief that other people have shown in me has helped me know how to be kind to myself and to believe in myself again. It confirms my belief that every little kindness we offer someone matters and we never know how it might change someone’s life. I try to remind myself this on the days when I feel fairly useless in the world. On those days I try to find a way to be kind in the moment, even if it’s just sending a text message to someone letting them know I care.

One of the things I struggle with the most is wishing I could feel special to someone, knowing if I were sick and in the hospital, there was someone who would make me a priority. I have never experienced that sense of mattering to anyone, but I am grateful for the people who reach out to me and let me know I make a difference in their lives. And I’m very grateful for the friends I have who have stuck by me even in my difficult times.

One of these friends is my birthday twin, Donna. She and I share the same birthdate, although I’m years older. I’ve known her for years and really value her as a person. I’m so proud of the fact that she recently completed her schooling and became a registered nurse. She’s driven the hour from her house to mine a number of times to spend time with me since I’ve been home. I’m honored she’s taking time out of her extremely busy schedule to visit with me.

She also invited me to go with her and a friend to a haunted house for Halloween. I’d never done anything like that before and was not sure how my traumatized parts would handle it. I was pleased to find I was able to enjoy it even though we waited for hours in line in the chilly air. I was surprised to discover that Donna’s friend, Anya, had heard about me when she was hiking. I accepted that I was getting old when Donna and her friend looked out for me in the dark when there was uneven footing. Even though it made me feel old, I found their gestures touching as opposed to being insulted or feeling I needed to do it myself.

Once in the haunted house Mary Badass took over. She growled back at the goblins jumping out at us and told them “I stood up to a grizzly bear, I’m not afraid of you.” I don’t think the goblins quite knew what to do with me!

While I was still on crutches, Donna and her husband invited me to join them on a camping weekend at Gifford Wood State Park. It was wonderful to be sleeping outside again. I stayed in the lean-to while Donna and Nick slept in their camper. They cooked me a lovely dinner and a fantastic breakfast. And then Donna and I walked around on the trails looking at the old growth forest in that state park. It reminded me of the value of public lands and I said a prayer to the universe, hoping we have them for years to come.

I am also grateful for Angela, who I met a number of years ago when I was riding my bike through all 251 cities in towns in Vermont. She was standing by the road birding and I stopped and chatted with her. We’ve remained friends ever since. I asked her almost two years ago if she would take care of my houseplants while I went hiking. Because I haven’t yet settled down, the plants have been living at her house ever since!

It’s been wonderful to go on a few hikes with her during leaf peeping and stick seasons. Stick season here in Vermont is the time of year after the leaves fall but before the snow comes. We started with a short hike and have since done a few others including one 11 plus mile jaunt. I am happy to report that my feet are doing well enough.

I’ve also spent some time with Dot, a long time friend who is an excellent finish carpenter. She is helping me put new gunwales on an old canoe. It has been a bit of a challenge since the “new” gunwales are actually old ones off of another boat. They were too long and pre-bent and the holes didn’t line up, but we have made great progress.

First we sanded and revarnished the old ones. Then we spent a day getting the new ones almost on. It will take one more day to put the decks, thwarts and seats back in.

As much as I value my old friends, I’m thrilled to have some new ones in my life. One of these is Summer. I met her through Deb who has been a friend for a few years and who picked up my mail for me while I was hiking. Deb continued to get my mail for the time that I was on crutches.

Summer is an amazing artist and has had an extremely interesting life. I had been wishing I could get some bodywork done for my old, stiff body that had tightened up after being on crutches for so long. But I knew I didn’t have the funds to afford it. And along came Summer, who is a bodyworker, and offered to come up to my house once a week to ease my tight muscles. She asked for nothing in return. What a gift she’s been to me.

I’ve also continued to walk with Betty and cook for her and Pip. And Bob has been a wonderful neighbor not only getting wood in with me but making sure I’m well fed. His mother has been really kind to me as well. It helps ease the pain of losing my ex mother-in-law who has had no meaningful contact me since mark left.

And I am immensely grateful for the young friends I met hiking who keep in touch with me and let me know I matter. When I told these young friends about the crazy thing I had applied to do, I was surprised they were so enthusiastic for me. I know I promised in my last blog to let you all know what it was, but this blog is long enough as is so you’ll have to wait one more week.

#thruhiking #nationalscenictrails #kindness #friends #healinginnature #recoveringfromdivorce #healingdissociation