This wasn’t the first time I was dealing with injury in duplicate. Once before I had injured both of my knees at the same time and as my sports medicine, doctor said I didn’t “have a leg to stand on.” Back then I had resorted to swimming to keep myself moving. But now, it didn’t seem that swimming would be an easy option. Beavers had moved into my small pond and it was full of sticks. Given that I was on crutches I would have a hard time getting into or out of the local swimming holes at the river. If I wanted to swim I would have to drive at least 35 minutes each way to the nearest pool which would cost a fair amount both in gas and admission fees.

I ruled out swimming, but since the weather was unseasonably warm and dry and I was itching to get out on my bike, I came up with the brilliant idea of riding my Ebike. I usually ride it with minimal battery power but I knew if I turned the battery assist higher, I could ride it without staining my feet.

It was glorious! I did get some strange looks as I rode into town with crutches strapped to the back of my bike and both feet in orthopedic boots. I had to be careful getting on and off the bike and I did fall once, but I was really glad for the physical outlet it provided. I sent out a prayer of gratitude for this bike, which I insisted on buying during my early years with Mark.

I was also really grateful for my neighbor Bob. Bob and I have been getting our firewood in together for the past few years and he figured out a way for me to still be able to do some of the work while on crutches. He split the wood, put it in a cart and rolled it to my car where I loaded it while sitting down. When I got home, I sat down and threw the wood out of the car into a pile figuring I would stack it later. I even managed to do a little chainsawing using my small, lightweight electric saw.

I wasn’t thrilled with how I spent a lot of my time, especially when I stared at the computer screen for long hours. But on the other hand, I could tell that in general I was doing better so I decided to give myself time to play stupid games on the computer, hoping that eventually I would have my fill. I struggled to get much writing done, wondering if it mattered to anyone. And I was having a hard time making meals for myself. I decided to sign up for meals on wheels while I was on crutches. That turned out to be a great thing, even though at first I felt a little self-conscious doing it. I’ve been learning to feel OK about using what resources are available to me. Having someone stop by once a week and chat with me for a few minutes while dropping off a weeks worth of meals was pleasant.

I found myself dealing with a number of medical issues, including blood pressure that was skyrocketing. One day when I took it it was 200/100! I tried to get an appointment to see my PCP, but there was a misunderstanding on her end as to why I had made the appointment. She insisted on doing it over the phone. Ironically, I was already sitting in her parking lot when the message came in that she was going to do the appointment over the phone. When I finally got through to the doctor, ten minutes after my appointment was supposed to start, she seemed annoyed with me for taking up her time for something she deemed unimportant. I tried to explain my concern about my blood pressure and in doing so I used her first name, which is how I refer to all my doctors. I’ve been sexually abused by a doctor and I find that calling them by their first name helps me lessen the sense of a power imbalance and allows me an easier time putting aside past doctor trauma. In fact, I’ve been calling this pcp by her first name for years. I was shocked when she started screaming at me on the phone saying “I go by Dr. Coombs. Dr. Coombs is what I am known by and what people call me.” I was so taken aback that I reacted a little bit from a triggered place. I said,”Well then you can call me Mrs. Anderson.”

She replied, “This call is over. If you want to get a new PCP or complain about me you can.”

I informed her that I would look for a new pcp and we ended the conversation. As difficult as this was for me and as much as it left me in a lurch, concerned about unusually high blood pressure, I think it’s the first time in my life that something like this has happened and I was really clear that it was NOT MY fault. I could tell she was reacting and I had a fairly good idea of what she might be reacting to. As I picked up the phone to call the hospital she works for I was so proud of myself for not taking this on as my fault nor going into pure meltdown mode. I was pretty firm with the hospital, explaining my predicament and letting them know that their doctor refused to see me when my blood pressure was in a dangerously high place. I pointed out that unless they provided me care they could have a nasty lawsuit on their hands if I had a heart attack or stroke. It took a number of days, but eventually I was hooked up with a cardiologist and also with a new PCP. When I was between PCPs, I tried to tell myself that even though I had liked the old one a lot I wasn’t going to bemoan the loss. Rather I would have hope that the new one might be even better.

Amazingly, even though I’ve only seen the new pcp once, I think she will be a better collaborator and understand my desire to incorporate alternative medicine more than the old one had. I also focused on being grateful that I had somewhat decent access to medical care, even though it is becoming harder as doctors in this rural area are becoming scarcer and more overworked.

I tried to extrapolate this to my experiences with my ex-husband saying “OK there were some good times but if I can really let it go, maybe something better will come my way.” It’s hard for me to hold out hope that I will ever be in a good, committed relationship with a man but I’m trying to broaden my outlook and appreciate every single gift that comes my way each day.

One of the gifts in my life is the friendship of two women whom I met over 30 years ago. One is 86 and the other is 100 years old. They live 37 miles from me and I try to spend a couple of nights a week with them, cooking meals and going for walks with Betty who is the most vibrant hundred-year-old I know. At 86, Pip is no slouch either. She rides her bike and works out at the gym four days a week.

Betty loves going for walks and staying active. If you ask her what her favorite thing to do is she’ll tell her you, “shoveling snow.” She also loves to mow the lawn, split wood and do the dishes. At 100, Betty still walks half a mile a day at a 2 mile an hour pace. It’s gotten harder for her to do these walks by herself as she’s quite blind so whenever I’m down there, I make sure to go on a walk with her. I think about how awful it would be if she were in a nursing home rather than in the house she has lived in for 100 years. When you look at Betty walking, it’s easy to be afraid she’s going to fall. In fact, in late summer, she did fall and crack her kneecap. But Betty astounded her doctor and physical therapist. She has healed from the injury and keeps walking. What a shame it would be if she were forced to be in a nursing home where, because of liability issues around falling, she was forced to use a wheelchair. She would go downhill fast. I wish we had better support services for old people in this country.

For a few days, I was graced by a visit from a young woman I had met while hiking the Arizona Trail. She and her cousin came to visit and cooked me some wonderful food. While they were here we took Pip and Betty canoeing. It was wonderful to see them both enjoying a chance to get out on the water again. Betty spent the first hour steering the canoe. I did worry that she might topple out, but she held her own and we all had a wonderful day, celebrating at the end by eating pie and ice cream. Betty loves sweets and at her age I think it’s fine for her to eat whatever she wants. In fact, I try to fatten her up as she’s the only person I know who weighs less than her age.

When I could, I rode my bike down to Pip and Betty’s enjoying the mild fall we had in Vermont this year. It was unseasonably warm and dry. In fact it was so warm that we did not have a hard frost early enough to make the color of the leaves pop as fully as they used to. This has been happening more and more in recent years. Still it was lovely seeing the autumn colors that were there. As much as I am concerned about the environmental changes, it was pleasant being able to comfortably ride my bike so late in the season. Many years we have had snow at the end of October. Except for a light dusting once, we still have not had any snow and very little rain this year. I’m hoping the spring which feeds water to my house doesn’t run dry.

I’m pleased to report that allowing the parts of me that just wanted to veg out on the computer to do their thing for a while has seemed to work. I definitely feel that huge internal changes have happened for me and in fact I’ve done something that many people might consider crazy. But that will be for another post.