Despite my struggles on this trail, I was doing a good job of trusting that what I needed would arrive when I needed it. So far all the hikers around me had been having good luck with hitches and meeting people who were being kind to them. I noticed that this caused a bit of concern for the parts of me that felt there wasn’t enough to go around. I kept reminding myself that just because others were getting treated well, didn’t mean the same couldn’t be there for me. I was no longer a little girl in a family vying for the attention of a mother who was completely overwhelmed.

And sure enough, just as I reached the road I would have to hitch to get into Yaak, a pickup truck came by and Steve stopped for me. Due to the extreme 100 degree heat, he was leaving his construction job early. I gratefully got into his air conditioned truck. I’d like to say I jumped in but that would be a lie. I was in no shape for jumping!

Steve dropped me at the Shameless Oasis in Yaak where I happily picked up my new boots, along with my next food resupply. I took a shower in the outside shower and gave my dirty clothes to Trashalope and Mary, who had arrived ahead of me and were setting off to do laundry. Both of them were eager to hit the trail again, but were also nursing injuries.

I spent the rest of that day doing the usual resupply chores of sorting and packing food and getting rid of anything I no longer needed, such as maps and extra socks. I also boxed up the boots I was getting rid of along with some fancy insoles which had not helped my feet at all. All the while I did this I was fending off the flock of free ranging chickens who wanted to get into my food.

I planned on taking a zero the next day and was surprised when both Trashalope and Mary also took zeros. Temps were already in the 80’s by early morning so I spent a lot of time soaking my feet in the river. I tried to get some calorie loading and writing done but found it difficult to do in the increasing heat of the day. I spent a lot of time contemplating and working on a deeper level to let go comparison and competition.

Just because someone seemed to be a better athlete or easily accomplish something I was struggling to do, I didn’t want to wish them ill. I thought of all the people who always said to me that karma will come back around when I told them how my ex-husband had treated me. I often heard that his unkindnesses would come back to haunt him. I realized that I didn’t want to stay in that place.

If I’m honest, of course there are parts of me that sometimes hope my ex is struggling and that bad things happen to him. But that’s not where I want to live my life from. I want to believe that all I have to focus on is myself and how I’m living, and then let the world take care of everybody else without me putting my two cents in. In fact, I want to be able to wish the best for everyone, even those who don’t treat me well. And on a deeper level I want to learn to be able to celebrate other peoples’ accomplishments, such as being able to hike faster and easier than I can. My work is to stop having my self worth connected to how well I do anything and to stay in the moment and try to believe I’m OK just as I am.

I set out early the next morning trusting I AND the others would get rides, even though there was barely one car every half hour or so. The first truck up the road stopped and chatted, but told me he was only going half a mile up the road. The second car came along about half an hour later and I was thrilled when he gave me a ride to the trailhead.

Immediately I could tell the new boots would be better, but there was going to be a readjustment period for my feet. I worked to focus on the beauty of the flowers around me rather than the pain in my feet and the intense heat. I camped one night just east of the Idaho border in a spot that was said to be a miserable campsite. I actually found a little place where I could tuck my tent and even though the mosquitoes were horrendous it wasn’t a bad place to spend the night. There was a boardwalk through the swamp and after lathering up with bug repellent, I was able to sit there and have dinner.

The next morning I crossed into Idaho. Then I meandered down to Bonners Ferry, making peace with the fact that I would most likely be doing the rest of this trail alone. But I was OK with that, knowing I did not have to grasp other people to save me. I was accepting that there really is enough in this world for everyone to have a share of goodness. I know that some people’s lives seem much harder than others and I don’t have answers as to why, but I’m beginning to be grateful for the struggles I’ve had in my life because I know it’s given me the internal self that I’m coming to appreciate and like.