For much of my life, happiness eluded me. My childhood was spent engulfed in the pain of trying to survive emotional and sexual abuse. After my father’s death, when I had just turned 13, I became even more depressed and isolated. Being constantly teased at school added to my unhappiness and deep feelings of loneliness.

It used to really bother me when people said happiness was a choice. When I was living my life in a constant state of post traumatic stress and dissociation, I never could make choices. There were too many parts of me who each wanted something different. I wasn’t in charge of my life when I was constantly thrown into a traumatic triggered state. When people told me I had a choice I felt worse about myself for not being able to make choices and step away from the pain.

It has only been in these last few years that I’ve been able to feel I am making conscious choices. I can do this because I have finally reconnected with most of those cut off parts of myself. My life is no longer a mine field, never knowing when I’ll be pushed into a dissociated place that I can only sit back and watch. I now have some agency over my life and I am making choices to be kind and happy.

Each time I choose to be happy I still feel a fear of happiness creep in. I grew up wary of happiness as I knew feeling it would be a sin causing fire and brimstones to fall upon my head. Any time I felt pleasure, I prepared for the pain which I knew would follow.

I’m learning to shed the fear that if I show happiness, it’ll be taken away from me. I know that some days life will feel harder than others, but I’m choosing to put the fear aside knowing I’ll find a way to deal with the hard times when they come. I can now stay in the present and enjoy feeling happy.

More than this, I’m learning to choose to be happy even when life throws me curveballs and the old pain once again grabs me around the neck threatening to choke me. By remembering that those difficult moments are teachers which increase my wisdom and move me further along the path of healing, I am able to better maintain a state of equilibrium even in the hard times.

Every hour of every day on the trail my body feels at least some physical pain. Often it’s my feet or knees. Other times my shoulders, hips or back hurt. Sometimes I am wet and uncomfortably cold while other times I’m sweltering in the heat. I’ve learned that rather than focusing on the pain, I can make a conscious choice to look outside my body. By doing so I can distance from what my brain is telling my body it’s feeling. I make choices to look at what’s around me. As soon as I do that, I feel better. Ironically, this is very like how dissociation works during traumatic events.

Working to reframe things has helped me appreciate almost every experience of my life. I recognize that the most painful ones have taught me compassion and understanding for others. I know I contain sensitive and vulnerable parts, as well as parts that are tough as nails. I would not want it any other way.

As I start out on the Pacific Northwest Trail, I am choosing to feel happy and excited. I’ve been able to put any sense of trepidation aside, knowing that I have what it takes to complete this trail. I am also aware that many unforeseen things could happen and I can choose at any time not to finish the trail. I hope that doesn’t happen but I’m able to embrace that possibility without any shame of failure. Of course, as I write those words, I feel a bit of fear that I might be jinxing myself. But then I remember that nothing is a given, except for death. All I have is the present moment influenced by my past experiences, which have taught me that as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, I’ll more than likely reach the end of whatever trail I am on. In choosing to be happy will increase the possibility of my reaching the end of the PNT on the Washington coast line.

I always find it amazing to see how far a series of steps about 2 feet long will take me. That is certainly a good reminder that I don’t have to be doing huge things in life. The accumulation of many small acts of kindness given to me by various people I’ve met along the trails have helped me reach this place of happiness and healing. I now recognize that every act of kindness I give to another makes a difference in the world. And that thought is enough to help me choose to be happy.

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