I got all my boxes packed and taped for the hike and did most of the things I needed to do before setting off on the PNT. This included getting prepared for my online presentation about my source to sea paddle on the Connecticut River river (you can find the recording here https://youtu.be/q5n9O1i0_J8 ) I also prepared for an interview with backpacker radio ( https://www.backpackerradio.thetrek.co/ ) on the 19th. This interview will be turned into a podcast. You can find it at that link when it comes out in the second or third week of July.

With my necessary tasks complete, I found myself in wait and see mode. I had to keep reminding myself that what I did I did well enough. I did not want to obsess over the boxes or even think about them again until I dropped them off at the post office in Montana. I knew my presentations were solid and I put any nervousness about them aside. I worked to stay in the present by taking walks and visiting the Santa Fe library which was close to where I was staying.

There was some rain in Santa Fe and a leaky roof where I was staying soaked one of my boxes. I had to repack it. The dry box I had was a bit bigger than the wet one. As I moved the food, toilet paper and maps from one to another, I had to remind myself not to throw in extra to fill up the space. I wanted to trust my initial planning and also remember that just because I had the space I did not have to fill it. In the end I did throw in one more sleeve of crackers and a few snacks. But I also cut the box down to size.

What has me really locked in wait and see mode are the continual snowstorms in Glacier. While much of the country swelters, Glacier continues to get snow. More fell on June 18. Some trails are closed due to avalanche danger. Others are closed because of bear activity. Thus I am not sure exactly when I will start.

I’ve contemplated starting somewhere in the middle of the PNT where the snow is less. Then I would hike east to the beginning of the trail before flip flopping back to where I started and hiking west to the end. That would mean repacking my boxes, trying to find new places to leave my car, and figuring out how to get back-and-forth multiple times. Plus, flip-flopping does change the feeling of the hike. While flip-flopping worked well for me on the CDT I am not crazy about the idea now.

So I remain in wait-and-see mode. Sometimes I find this a challenging place to be in. It stirs up times of anxiety I felt as a child never knowing what was going to happen next. In the past, I would have tried to distance from that anxiety by worrying or with unnecessary eating or too much time playing computer games. By making these feelings conscious and welcoming them in as a teacher, I am able to stay in the present, calm the parts of me that feel anxious, and tackle some things which I really want to do. Even though dealing with some things causes me anxiety, I know that when I am in wait and see mode with time to spare, it is a good time to buckle down and do some of the harder things I often put off. If I don’t do them when I have the time, I am working to make the decision to take them off my “to do” list. It isn’t worth keeping something in the background which causes anxiety. The irony is that when I finally do the things I have been putting off, I find they were not that difficult and certainly not worth worrying over. And by getting those things off my plate, I can go out and enjoy doing other things while in wait-and-see mode.

I’ve never had an easy time at the moment of transition. As much as I look forward to being on the road again and getting closer to starting this hike, there’s always butterflies before I head into what feels like the unknown. Stepping back and recognizing it is good for me because by doing that the feeling doesn’t overtake me. Rather than being overwhelmed by the butterfly feelings, I can sit back and observe them. Then I can choose to do things that occupy my time in a healthy way.

Much of my young adult life was spent in a dissociated state. I went through life as if on a conveyor belt, unable to step off and make healthy decisions. Now that I have a handle on the dissociation, I’m trying to recognize how I’m feeling and make conscious decisions about what I want to do about those feelings.This is a huge accomplishment for me. Now I just have to go out and complete the Pacific Northwest Trail! But first I have to wait a little longer.

‘#thruhiking #PNT #pacificnorthwesttrail #thetrek #backpackerradio