Finally about three in the morning my headache dissipated. I got a little better sleep after that, but the sun is up here by about six and it’s dark by seven PM so I didn’t sleep for long. I wanted to get an early start to be able to reach the next water camp spot before nightfall.

I decided to baby myself a bit and had a cooked breakfast consisting of hot oatmeal and cocoa which is such a treat here on the trail. At home things like that don’t mean much but the little things out here are so much more special, which is one reason why I love hiking. It reminds me to be grateful for every little thing.

After I packed up, I did something stupid! I took off on the most obvious trail and went .2 of a mile before I thought “I’m not supposed to be going downhill.” Sure enough, I looked at my GPS and realized I had gone in the wrong direction. As I climbed back up I was thrilled to see that I wasn’t beating myself up for the mistake.

As I walked I thought about how often on these trails I walk really close to a steep drop off edge. Often the trail in those areas is eroded and I have to step carefully not to go over the edge. Sometimes there are some scary steps I must take where one misstep could send me flying down the mountain. I paralleled this to the suicidal times in my life. Just like the cliffs that I come so close to falling down when walking past them, I had to take those emotional steps that brought me really close to suiciding. I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere in life if I hadn’t been willing to get close to and feel and deal and move past those suicidal places just like I won’t get anywhere on the trail if I don’t walk past those steep, scary drop off places. Those are the places where it’s really important to trust myself and to know that I have what it takes to go to those scary places to get what I want, which in one case is to finish the trail, and in the other case is to become more emotionally stable and happy.

I thought about how avoiding pain has never served me well, nor has fear. Doing a trip like this involves a lot of physical pain, but the trade-off is worth it. And as to fear, a line I always love to use with folks I ski with is “just because something is scary, just because you’re afraid, doesn’t mean something bad is gonna happen.” It’s something I remind myself when I’m out here walking close to those edges or taking steps across steep snow fields: push through the fear knowing it’s not a certainty that what you’re afraid of is going to happen and in fact, it’s more likely that what you’re afraid of is not going to happen. Don’t let the pain stop you and one step at a time everything works out just fine.

Sure enough, by the end of the day I made it 15 miles to another good water source and I had a lovely evening with five other hikers. Most of them will pass me before long, but I resolved to enjoy them in the present moment and let tomorrow bring what may. Tonight I was just grateful that my old body had done as well as it did and that I had good water, good company and a good sleeping bag.